End this.

Wow! Time really flies! I can't say that I'm having fun because let's face it, this has been a shitty year for me. But still I trust in the Lord that everything will be over and better. I had plenty of free time at the office the other day and I decided to look back into my organizer/diary. Discovered that its been 322 days since I fell in love. And in the diary there was just one wish that I keep on wishing... make me forget. Please make me forget.

I have realized that it was just not meant to be. I have tried everything. But in the end all my efforts are wasted. I will never be good enough for him. I still love him though. But I think I have come to the point of acceptance. Nothing will come out of my delusion. My heart still aches for him sometimes... ok all the time. There would be days that I would just want to be near him. I have only one constant thing in my prayer to God. Make the pain go away. I wish I never met him. Loving him from afar really hurts. I cannot describe the words. My heart cries and there would be days that tears would fall out from my eyes because I was thinking of him.

I know I deserve someone better. I deserve someone that would treat me like I'm the center of his universe. Someone that will really care for me. Asked me if I have already ate lunch, if I'm safely home or just ask how my day went. I'm still having a hard time getting all my feelings out. But I know I just deserve someone. I tried going out, but still every guy I meet still pales in comparison to him. He's not perfect, but in my heart he is. I always compare the warmth and calmness I feel whenever I'm talking to him. I wish I could feel that with the others.

I'm really tired of going through this roller coaster of emotions. I just want this to stop. I'm getting tired of myself. I cannot tell my friends how bad I feel. I cannot even tell my parents that I'm hurting. I just keep smiling like everything is peachy. I'm just tired feeling for him. They say love should be effortless. Is what I'm feeling not love at all? Then what is it? An obsession? I hope not. Love should make the person feel better about themselves. I'm always miserable. And its because I can't have him. Smiling but crying on the inside that's what I'm doing everyday. Living like a programmed robot. I have to always be funny and witty because people easily see what's inside of me. I just want this to go away. I'm really, really tired of everything.